Journey To Divorce

Honor Killings Simply Domestic Violence?

2009-05-06T14:42:00.001-05:00

Are Honor Killings Simply Domestic Violence?

On February 12, 2009, Muzzammil Hassan informed police that he had
beheaded his wife. Hassan had emigrated to the United States 30 years ago and,
after a successful banking career, had founded Bridges TV, a Muslim-interest
network which aims, according to its website, "to foster a greater
understanding among many cultures and diverse populations." Erie County
District Attorney Frank A. Sedita III told The Buffalo News that
"this is the worst form of domestic violence possible,"

While Muslim
advocacy organizations argue that honor killings are a misnomer stigmatizing
Muslims for what is simply domestic violence, a problem that has nothing to do
with religion, Phyllis Chesler, who just completed a study of more than 50
instances of North American honor killings, says the evidence suggest
otherwise. — The Editors

Amina Said (L), 18, and her sister Sarah, 17, were
shot dead by their father Yaser at their home in Irving, Texas,
in January 2008

Domestic violence is a significant problem in the United States. Between 1989 and 2004, 21,124 women died at the hands of an intimate; 8,997 men died in domestic violence during the same time period.[13] Because the U.S. Department of Justice does not catalogue the victim's or murderer's age, religion, ethnic background, or immigration status, it is not possible to know what proportion of these killings are honor-related.

UN urges an end to abuses of women

2008-11-28T16:58:00.001-05:00

There are some tribes in Cameroon where thrashing, beating or whipping your wife is a sign of loving her....

"one universal truth applicable to all countries, cultures and communities; violence against women is never acceptable, never excusable, never tolerable".

clipped from news.bbc.co.uk

UN urges end to abuses of women

The United Nations secretary general has said the world must do more to combat the abuse of women and girls.

The UN says one in five women will be subject to actual or attempted rape

Ban Ki-moon spoke as organisations around the world marked the UN's International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

The UN says at least one in three women will be beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused in her lifetime.

It has called on leaders and people around the world to address what it said was a "global pandemic" of abuse.

Women between the ages of 15 and 44 are at greater risk from rape and domestic violence than from cancer, traffic accidents, war and malaria, says the UN.

It says violence against women has been reported in every international or non-international warzone and that half of all women murdered are killed by their current or former partner.

Violence against women is never acceptable

VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN

Female spiders make a meal out of lazy lovers

2008-11-28T16:26:00.001-05:00

clipped from www.newscientist.com

Female spiders make a meal out of lazy lovers

Video: Watch what happens if a male does keep a female happy

Men that are "only after one thing" should be grateful that they are dating women. Female redback spiders kill and eat partners that demand quick sex in place of extended courtship.

In contrast, a little bit of wooing goes a long way in arousing her passions for the male, new research reveals.

with either one or two males. They then filmed the courtships as they unfolded.

The single males spent up to five hours courting the female by alternately plucking the web and beating on her abdomen before attempting to mate. During copulation, the female always started to eat the male, but roughly 90% of the time she would let him escape after a quick nibble to have another try at courtship and mating.

When a rival was present, the story changed, although this depended on the strength of the competition.

The ultimate punishment for those demanding a quickie...I wonder if anyone is left to spread the word amongst the males. If so seems as though even male spiders are hard headed or just plain stupid.

Bring Them Home

2008-09-29T20:31:00.002-05:00

Here is a little tribute for our soldiers....So they will know we are thinking of them. I made this with Scrapblog, it's like making a scrapbook but everything is done in a scraplog builder...you can use your own photos, videos, and graphics.
They have a large selection of backgrounds, stickers, text, shapes and themes, all of which is free to use.
Hope you enjoy it....

Deliver Me Out of My Sadness

2008-08-12T22:55:00.005-05:00

I'm still struggling it seems, my house is full now. My daughter and 2 granddaughters moved in with me, so I'm not here alone anymore. It's not the same as if I had a husband here with me, someone who could comfort me when things go wrong. Not that I'm saying I ever had much of that anyway, I guess it may have been a dream of mine, to have a good loving and caring life long partner. I once thought I found my soul mate...but we all know that was all a lie.

If I sound a little blue, it may be because of the video I was watching on youtube earlier today...all about love. Just the way it was meant to be. Like a mother's love, unconditional, forgiving, (not exactly my mother, but she had her own ways I guess ). Sometimes we dwell in the past too much, I know I have.

I've tried not to look at the future much, I don't like getting older. My body has changed and I look at myself in the mirror and see some older woman looking back at me. I've been envious at times that my daughter is so pretty and fit. I was never pretty I don't think, I was cute, though.

I use to be a lot funnier too. I loved making people laugh. When did I get to be so serious? When did I get so content about being alone. I had a chance for a relationship, but I think I didn't trust it, not him, as much as a relationship with anyone for that fact. I really need to call him sometime, who knows what could happen.

But, like I said for now I'm content. I think I will leave it at that for now. I would like you to see this video, I think you will understand what I meant about missing a certain kind of love.

Unfortunate Existence

2008-07-19T21:16:00.007-05:00

There were times when he would put her to shame, if work and home were too much to handle...and just in case she misbehaved, he reminded her of an impending rage...confused by his " I Love You " and occasional actions of a madman. She learned how to step aside...but it would be many more years before all her emotions drained...till there was nothing left but an empty shell, of the woman she longed to be.

Life's memories were pushed aside while searching for the truth, her eyes became obsessed you see, for the person who she so desperately needed to find, and who she wanted to be...She should have taken a good long look ...at how it all would end. I'm sure her heart held the proof ...but all one really needs to do is look into his eyes...recounting all the many things, that he had so denied...to lay them all in front of him, and to see his real conviction...of turning her into a slave, all for the sake of his ego...

So how does one forget a life without true meaning, and losing of oneself to someone so demeaning ? Obsessing about the days of all his evil ways...never being right, not able to please without destroying oneself...not able to speak to someone who could help. With no support from those who know about the evils of control.

What memories of life can one person have, if life was meant to live through the eyes of another...we would all end in mourning for this lost soul, but all the tears can't bring back the years, of a childhood memory of the real person you would thrive to someday be. We all fall short of some important goals, but most people have no regrets, as long as their life had some meaning...to have friendships as support groups, to be able to find the strength inside that helps us live with life's ups and downs. To have our faith and spiritual beliefs acknowledged as our own. To be accepted and allowed the freedom to live our lives as we once hoped to. To be able to look in the mirror, and love , as well as like that person looking back.

I pray that one day I will accomplish my dream, to help those less fortunate. I pray for forgiveness, and thank God for the strength I finally found within myself, to break away from a life that was wasted on the one person who could not except me for whom I wanted to be...I have a long road ahead of me, with therapy, my new found friendships support, my families love and understanding.

Being given a second chance at a life worthwhile, a freedom never before experienced, and the PEACE I have always asked for, is the most precious gift of all.

I must learn what this world is about and live my life as if the 20 years which are behind me, never happened...because I can't think about the good times and laughter, without reliving the "Hell" that was once my existence...

Composed in the year 2006

Ready for Love

2008-02-13T10:44:00.006-05:00

It's been a long time since posting..that's because I have been experiencing life on my own, my way.

I admit I went a little overboard when it comes to Internet socializing. Along with this blog I also have a MySpace web site in which I have spent some time on and if you would like to see it just click the title of this entry.

Being single has its own boring tales to say the least. I enjoy the company of others but some men are definitely not ready to commit. Not just to a long term relationship but also when it comes to dating.
They just don't want to be someone's so called "boyfriend", it's like they are afraid to shell out a little cash on dinner or a movie. Even a cup of coffee and talking would suit me.

Most of the guys I meet talk a lot of trash and just try to convince you that going to bed with them would be a wonderful experience, who needs dinner & a movie? They just want to cut to the chase or maybe that should be capture. They will talk for hours about themselves, tell you how pretty you are and compliment everything about you, till you can't stand it anymore.

Usually after a couple of weeks of turning up your nose at the advances I just have to stay home for awhile till I get so lonely and bored it's worth a chance to try again. Hopefully with a more pleasing attitude, only to go through the whole experience again.

This has been my personal experience over and over for the last 2 years of my separation.

Oh and my ex did want for us to go out, date I guess, but I told him I was satisfied with the way things were. I wish you could have seen the look on his face, now that was priceless.

I can't remember how many men reminded me of him, egotistical, smug and down right obnoxious.
He even had the nerve to say he has plenty of money in the bank for anything he wants to do. I guess that means he doesn't mind that I was awarded alimony from the court, even though he wanted to fight it. My lawyer told me he was trying to tell his lawyer exactly what he would do for me, setting a certain amount of payment for 3 years.

My settlement came out to be more than he wanted to pay and for much longer, for life to be exact.
I am pretty sure he didn't expect that, but what can I say, he was the one who said I didn't need to work and that he would take care of me. I didn't know how painful a price I would have to pay for that statement.

I really think 2 years is a fair amount of time to heal after 17 years or so of emotional and mental abuse ( or is it ? )Just keep in mind the word "Gaslight", which is also the title of a famous movie back in the 50's or 60's, I'll have to check on that to tell you more about that when I am able to.

Relationship abuse is a horrible existence, even if you aren't battered. Mental torture comes to mind. Can you imagine to be told who you are and how awful you are day after day, because you don't measure up to someone else's standards. Think about what it would be like for someone that will keep you up all night long, talking and grilling you, till you just have to give in and say "ok, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm bad and worthless." After awhile you start to believe you are a horrible wife and mother, a bad person all around. That works on your brain till you have no self esteem left, that' if you ever had any. I admit mine was low from the time we met due to a dysfunctional upbring. But I think I could have handled that better if I was with someone who could bring out the best in me instead of the worst.

Anyway, I am ready to meet someone now, a man I could trust.

Update...5/28/09

Things didn't go as once thought...I'm still alone and not at all trying to find someone. I'm afraid I'm behind in knowing how to live...luckily I do have God in my life. So I think I will collaberate with him on my mission. For the past few month's I've been bomb barded with information about cruelty to animals , whether it be puppy mills or about the Fur Farms in China, I believe God wants me to bring out the awareness...I think everyone needs to start in their own community, to many helpless animals are suffering...God's gift to us, they love us unconditionally, it's not right for us to stand by and do nothing. I will be happy doing the things that God wants, for he is the only one I can trust in my life.

Please help Stop the Cruelty....Share this video...

Double Talk

2006-01-18T02:27:00.000-05:00

These past few weeks have been exhausting, talking to him...I never know what to expect next. Except I know he is always thinking, trying to be in control of the situation at hand. It doesn't matter to me if he is ready for that new relationship, the girl who waits on him at the Sports Bar...or even the one in California ( Marilyn was so in love with him, it's sort of sad really...he hasn't said anything nice about her since he last saw her face to face...) he is very critical of women who gain a little weight or start to show their age.

So it would make sense for him to go for the younger of the two, besides its hard to teach an old dog new tricks...hence the word bitch. That is G's favorite term of endearment, so beware ladies, this also shows a man's lack of respect for females, period.

So, now its time for him to get his own apartment, after we decide on how to divide our equitable property, the amount of permanent alimony, continued medical insurance, and of course I will need the use of the Durango till I am able to get my own transportation.

Oh yes, and any improvements to the house doesn't amount to a hill of beans, since there is so much more wrong with the house, it just cancels out any money owed if it actually did bring up the properties value. It makes sense to me if you once had a 3 bedroom house with a large deck and now its a 2 bedroom with no deck....guess the taxes went up on everyones property...oh, yes and its way past due ( property taxes )...Guess I need to retain a lawyer after all, I said it was going to be done legally...I can't see G making any fair deals, not even with me...I can only imagine what he's been telling everyone, Oh I know, mostly what they want to hear, because he wants to be the good guy or should I say the best guy in the whole world....yep, there's some sarcasm on my part.

I'm just tired of promises that turn out to be lies, and lies into promises and he still will try his best to convince me he's never cheated or lied to me...and he never threatened my life either...hello, ask your brother ask your sister...

ask Marilyn...they all know some little secret about you, and how bad you can be. You may think you are fooling them, but they are not stupid.

Get off your high horse G, and for the rest of you, better wear those thigh high boots...cause you are going to need them.

Husband Just doesn't Get It

2006-01-18T02:26:00.002-05:00

It's been a few weeks now...I decided to speak with him. Because he now knows he could use some therapy, and he didn't see the controlling part of him...but the more he talks the more I hear excuses.

The more he talks... I still hear the controlling words slide in, and around the "love" he says, he still has for me...me, that person who he once swore, no one else would ever want, because I am too needy. Who is needy now?

He tells me of his pain (a few weeks, on an emotional roller coaster), yes I know it well...try it for six months, without the sympathy or understanding he is getting from me and others around him...you have no clue. Everything I went trough over many years, he must endure, he says, now, that I am stronger than him. I guess I had to be and still must be, or I would make a mistake and lose myself to more of his world. Change takes time...no matter how bad you want something now, a new life or a new you...it will take time.

I am grateful for the moments of happiness, solitude and peace, I am able to find in each day. So, yes I will be looking forward to more tomorrows, and any challenge it may bring. Because I am strong, I may get rattled for awhile...but it passes and on to the next step.

I expect not to answer any more questions, no more prying phone calls...time to do the work alone. No more feeling sorry...about anything.

I am sure my heart, soul, and my mind will not trust words, nor promises, small gestures...I will not give in, or give up my new found freedom, for anyone. I was not born into slavery, don't believe in slavery for myself or anyone. It's a New World and I have given myself the permission to live as a free woman. I will be who I want to be, and change for no one...and answer to no one.

This should be clear, but to some, its defiant.

Well too damn bad.

Statistics about Women & Depression

Why Women Stay in a Bad Relationship

New Year Wish

2006-01-18T02:24:00.000-05:00

My New Years Wish...To take care of my needs, to heal, to learn to Love myself, replenish myself spiritually and morally, forgive and reinvent my life's path of helping to stop psychological, mental and emotional abuse...

My husband emails me, instead of bitch, he now calls me sweetheart....I have never heard him call me that... he keeps trying to convince me he has changed, I know it's not possible. It is so sad to think he has played me as a fool for so many years, yet he still gives it his all, as always.

I read my diary which goes back as far as 1995, it opened my eyes to all the sadness this marriage has caused me and I wonder still today why or how it was possible for me to trust my life to such a man. I have to keep remembering sometimes "Love is not enough". It's an emotion, it's a word and can be used for evil as well as good, especially for those who know it's power.

He found my weakness, first to hear the words, acceptance, and knowing I can please him...putting me on a pedestal long enough to kick it out from under me and bring me down to the level in which I only existed to make him feel good about who he is, forgetting my own needs. I became what he wanted me to be and not what I felt was right for my own well being. God only knows why I tried so hard to help him, reassuring he was loved, always having to prove my love for him, feeling sorry about his disfunctional upbring. Not realizing at the time, that my own disfunctional upbring is what brought me to where I am today. We were drawn to each other like a magnet hoping to heal our own wounds, wanting , needing the Love that was denied us as children.

Finding a Lawyer

2006-01-18T02:21:00.001-05:00

Well, time to check out some lawyers...Even if its only a consultation, it's important to know your rights. Since my future ex-husband is residing in my house (I am co-owner with another ex), I am living with my little sister and her husband out in the country, along with their 2 dogs ( Arlo, a Swiss Mountain dog and Maggie a black and white Setter) my new best friends...I have come to love and care about them, and they know it. I feel safe with them, when I am alone at the house.

I have no access to any finances, the vehicle or my possessions, since he has made sure of that...luckily at this moment I still have health insurance. I have had to borrow money for my prescriptions, and I will need to see a doctor soon to evaluate my health... I already know I have a meningioma ( an 8x5 mm brain tumor ) since 2000. That same year I had a golf ball size meningioma removed and I survived that. So, I know I will survive this journey to divorce, with God's help.

Seventeen Years is Enough

2006-01-18T02:16:00.001-05:00

There are probably as much reasons for staying in an unhappy marriage as there is for leaving.
When it involves one persons control over the other, with constant talk about fault, blame or even ones sanity, it bores into your brain.

Like a cancer it can eat away all the good, replacing it with constant pain and agony....only those who have been there will completely understand, just how painful it can really be.
Leaving my own home, so close to Christmas...Not knowing what's out there, but realizing what could happen behind closed doors...it was time. And it will be whatever it will be, because I will not be afraid or intimidated again.

Twenty days of life...
I am enjoying the outdoors, and all that God has to offer, for peace, solitude and a renewed sense of self worth. It has truly been an awakening my soul has been crying out for so long...I can survive.

And I want others to know they are not alone...we have more to offer than we are led to believe.